170804 : 🌹
DATE: Friday, 4 August 2017 TIME: 20:36
Havent type anything here since I enter UIA. BRO HONESTLY, IT'S HECTIC AS HEK. Almost 2 months, I guess, I'm here. So far so good and I already taste the first wave of stress; assignmentsssss!!!! I cried 3 times last week. The 3rd time is the worst. I was crying because I have to finish my work but I have to use internet. You know internet here suck as f ngl. The I have lots of other work need to be done but they couldn't be done unless I get to finish this work. I was crying alone;; internal screams "I hate my life!!!"
Then, I called my sister.
Once she picked up my call, I called her name,
"Ela..... Stress adik ras---", couldn't finish my word, I cried so hard. She kept asking me what happened. I think I cried for solid 10 minutes then I finally told her what happened.
Topic of my project is super hard, for real. And all of sudden my lecturer told us that we need to change our topic. To. Harder. One. I won't tell what the topic is because it might trigger some of you. I have to work on the 'past solutions' of the problem and it's the hardest part. Only can be found in journal or official articles. Need the witness, like legit solutions, not just in our head. BRO THATS THE HARDEST PART and mine didn't get pick for the assignment. It's okay, I did my best :D
My sister said, don't think about how many assignment you have right now but instead, think of how and when I will finish doing my assignments. Do it one by one.
"You can do this."
The topic is something like mental health problem. And while doing this work, I think of me myself when I was Form 1 until Form 3. I can't declare on my own that I had a problem before but I did hate myself during that time.
Yo imagine you are the new student there, your friend is in other class. Your class is totally stranger. But they judge you as soon as you enter the class.
I sat at the veryyyy back in class. I didn't feel theyre welcoming me at all. They literally ignored me. I didnt know where I have to solat, where to eat, I didn't know anything. I hated myself, an introvert who doesn't know how to make new friends. I hated my life that time But slowly, we started to be friends, as classmate. Well, skip that part.
I didn't go to school like 2 days? When I entered the class, the coldness, they gave me stares. PALAU APA DO ENGLISH HAHAHAHAHA. Okay lah dorang palaukan aku do. Form 1, already know how to mental bullying a person. Man I felt suck man. Then it turned out they stole my "diary" and read it loudly in class, even told other kids in other class to read it. Literally I got bullied by my own classmate when I was Form 1.
I cried to myself. I hated how weak I am, I can't fight them to stand myself up.
Evening prep, they were still giving me stares, like badmouthing me infront of my face. I snapped, "Setan je sume". Then this girl, "Beh kau iblis". lmao
You can say it's just childlish fights, but I really hated my life that time.
Then new friends, I left my classmate for them. They said I'm betrayer stuff like that I don't really remember what happened. I thought theyre my eternal friends but no. Turned out they hated me, just like my classmate did. But that didn't hurt me as bad as my classmate did. I thought to myself to close all "my windows", don't trust people. At age 15, I hated my life as everyone was hating me.
I entered Form 4, went into new class. And yeap, I didn't open up much for them, they are lit. Shoutout 4E2 2015 kids, yall rock. Met new friends, knew what is best friend means. Made a lot of memories especially when we're just using our eyes to talk. Like sending signs. Mannnn HAHAHAHAHAHA
I am well aware of my attitude, my personalities. I am short-tempered. I know about that. I am well aware of it. I am well aware of me don't like being look down, I can't handle my friends teasing me but I can tease them. I know about that.
I tried to change about that. I tried.
But when everytime they mentioned about that, how they hate when I being like that, I am hating it too. I hate that I'm short tempered. I hate how I can't handle people teasing me. I want my friends to tease me too but I can't handle it. And I seriously hate that about myself. I tried to change it, I tried. I tried to laugh it off but I can't help I got hurt by it.
They said they understand me. "We are best friends"
I thought best friend means understanding each other too.
Or is it just me that I met "wrong best friend"?
I want to ask, does anyone like their flaws to be mention every single time?
Everytime they did, well not "they", "she" did mentioned about how I can't accept jokes and teases, I cried inside. Like bro, I hate that part of me too bro why you gotta mention about that everytime? I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate how I born with this personalities. Do you have to mention it everytime?
You don't know how many times I cried, alone, with myself, only myself everytime she talked about that. I thought about it 24/7 once she mentioned it.
"Why I can't change this. Wow I'm so suck."
"I dont ask for this tho, but I still have to change it so my friends can like me."
"Fml why I have to be born with this attitude"
I can't say I was having depression, but I hated my life. Wait, I hate my life. I hate myself. I hate me.
I never thought of suicide but I did think of "Can I just die and reborn to a better personalities and better attitude?"
Self harm? I did before. Why? Because I hate myself. And I hate my life because I did it.
"Wa muka kau serious sangat ah"
"Wa try la terima pendapat orang"
"Wa aku nak gurau sikit pun takleh"
"Wa pls la ubah perangai tu"
BRO IM TRYING TO CHANGE MYSELF, I AM. WHAT DO YOU EXPECT? DRASTIC CHANGE?
Till I reached the point that, I had enough of this. I hate so much about me that I easily get angry, can't get teased, I even hate it more when people pointing them out. Why you make me hating myself even more?
"Wa why your eyes so big that they look like they about to come off out of the sockets?"
My biggest flaw. My eyes are just too big. You don't know how I cried alone when someone said that to me.
But I told myself to stand up for myself this time.
I decided to drop em.
To give myself a freedom, to be myself.
To make me feel good about myself.
I drop them.
And I am very happy now.
Najwa 1.0 hates hugs, holding hands with friends. She didn't even try to smile to other people.
Najwa 2.0 hugs her roommates when they're having problems. She talks about her problems a lot with her roommates. She tries to smile to strangers. She tries to befriend with her classmates and coursemates. She makes her roommates listen to DAY6 LMAO. And her roommates hyping her up everytime she got noticed by Jae lol kkk
"This is random but do whatever you want to do, don't let anyone else tell you anything else, because what you wanna do is gonna be your happiness" - Jae, EVERYDAY6 In March Concert Day 2.
Best friend is bullshit man
Just be friend with everyone.