金木 研
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16th year
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DATE: Friday, 25 December 2015 TIME: 21:26

assalamualaikum.

I did notice something. When there comes, a total breakdown, I started to came a lot of things in my head. I would keep complaining about myself like why I am so fat, why my attitude not great like everyone. I keep blaming myself for everything, every mistakes that happened.

I found my self down there, sitting alone in the dark. No one would come to me, and grab my hand helping me to get up again. I realized I actually alone here, in this world.

But I still have my Ayah, Mak, siblings.

And this time, I did not choose to tell anyone, deeply in my emotion. About what I actually felt for the whole year. I did tell them, but in a playful way. I thought my wound already healed because I don't feel anything. But no.

2015 was the best year ever btw. I got new classmates, new subjects. I really had fun learning new subjects eventhough they are hella hard to understand the concept and remembering all the facts. lol

But 2015, I decided to open up to new people since I have new classmates.

I did a big hell mistake.

I opened up too much.

It ended up, destroying me internally.

It used me. It used my trusts. It used my attention. It used my love. It used my attention.

I don't get why it did those to me.

I use 'it' because she destroyed me like I dont have any feelings at all.

It makes me feeling anxious about myself.

One day, I tweeted something I admit it was so selfish tweet about me hhahahahhahahaha but well who cares.
But it replied as unmention tweet :) That tweet made me felt like I did a biggest mistake in the world.

Perasaan yang kau rasa macam kau takkan dapat tebus balik kesalahan kau. Kau rasa kau paling teruk atas dunia ni. Bila kau anggap dia sebagai kawan kau, tapi dia yang jatuhkan keyakinan kau. Dia macam dah manipulated kau punya fikiran judgemental people memang sampai teruk macam tu, macam dia.

Aku risau setiap perbuatan aku. Aku risau sangat takut ada orang tak suka lagi macam dia dah buat dekat aku. Aku takut buat orang marah dekat aku. Aku rasa takut nak cuba benda baru. Takde keyakinan dalam diri sendiri.

Punya teruk aku rasa takut ni aku pernah nangis satu malam, malam yang aku salahkan diri aku setiap benda kesilapan yang berlaku. Dalam kepala aku, macam ada satu movie. Movie yang menunjukkan muka-muka yang marah dekat aku, bila aku buat salah eventhough it was a small mistake. Aku nangis, aku takut orang tak dapat terima aku dalam komuniti.

Twitter memang tempat aku gila sorang sorang. Aku tweet je apa aku nak, takde orang kisah. Tapi tiba-tiba muncul orang setiap tweet aku post dia judge, dia ejek, dia maki. Padahal aku tengah sembang dengan kawan-kawan internet aku.

Aku rasa aku shrunk jadi kecil macam semut. Aku jadi takut. Aku rasa nak marah, nak mengamuk. Entah kenapa aku rasa aku patut dihukum. Entah kenapa aku boleh terfikir nak lukakan badan aku.
Pertama kali, selama ni aku tengok orang on internet cuts themselves on their arms.

Aku guna kaki :) Sebab kaki aku sendiri dah banyak parut, jadi a few new bruises no one would find it weird :)
Aku guna kuku. Lepas aku geram aku garu kat tempat yang tak gatal hahahahahha sebab tak jadi apa apa hahahhahahhahahahah aku jumpa kepingan pisau patah, kecil je.

Tak dapat kepuasan tapi aku rasa lega aku dah hukum diri aku sendiri.

Esok esok nya, aku tweet random je. Dia buat lagi.

:)

Sakit tu sakit, aku nangis gak. Satu hal aku ada history asthma, best la sikit nangis sampai sakit dada. Cukup untuk hukumkan diri aku.

Dan ia berterusan.

Aku taktahu apa salah aku :)

Keyakinan aku jatuh.

Aku rasa aku kawan paling teruk.
sampai kawan yang aku rapat sanggup buat aku macam ni.

Aku rasa macam dia dah bunuh diri aku. Bunuh jiwa aku.

Pernah ada satu petang, aku turun ke court volleyball. Hajatnya nak test la main tapi aku tak berani. Aku takut. Aku takut aku buat salah.

Aku join game. Bila bola tu datang, aku tengok je dia jatuh. So everyone was like "KENAPA BIARKAN JEEEEEE" with that frustrated faces. Hari tu memang hari total breakdown. I teared up, I cried. I felt like I'm a worst person alive.

Anxiety ke ni? Aku taknak. Aku takut.

Lebih baik hidup dalam small circle of people. Less hurt, but the one in the circle hurts you more. They will.

I hate myself. I don't like myself.

I am fat. I have no confidence.

I am ugly.

I am not smart, genius and intelligent girl. No one ever ask me again once I messed up a fact. I afraid to speak up more after the incident because they mocked me, not supporting me and helping me.

I love being alone. I would never hurt my feelings.

Don't ask me why I always alone on 2016.

Because I had enough. My one and only friend breaks my confidence, mocking my mistakes, hating my own happiness, never understands me.

I had enough.



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